But today has been really hard and I’m alone and I think I’m crumbling by the minute. I don’t even know why am I writing this, maybe it’s because I can’t never talk like this with anyone and I just needed to vent. I’ve been trying to live like this for 6 years (with two suicide attempts in between) but just when I think everything starts to get better I get the feeling that something wrong is about to happen, like every time my phone rings (it seldom does) I truly believe is someone telling me someone I love died. At the same time you just HATE being alone but in my case I’m always AFRAID of calling my friends (why would I be afraid of them? They’re supposed to be my friends right?) and asking them to hang out with me because they’ll notice how much of a mess I am, and the least I want Is to answer questions about how am I doing? And why don’t I do something about it? Like why don’t I just go out and meet people? That is what terrifies me the most, interacting with new people, I always think they will be criticizing me or thinking I’m not at their level or some shit like that.
Anxiety is horrendous and coping with it is almost impossible, because when you really feel like going out and socialize then this sudden feeling of rejection of getting out of the house or even being with someone strikes.
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